Monday, November 5, 2012

Loss and My Heart's Journey Forward

"No feet are so small that they can not leave an imprint on this world."
Photo By Becka Edmonson

To say the days have been trying lately would be a slight understatement. I have cried most days, some days more than others, but every day since October 17th has held tears. I have found myself wishing and praying for just one day to be tearless. That prayer is yet to be answered. The unexpected loss of our unborn child was something my heart was unprepared for. And while I know this time will pass in time, put most simply, I feel broken.
For now I find myself trying to wait patiently while my God puts me back together. It’s like rebuilding a foundation of who God wants you to become in the new season after the grieving season passes, because I will never be the same person as before. A miscarriage is not something that is just forgotten. I believe I will always carry a sense of sadness with me. The emptiness will be filled with time and only a hole will be left behind in my heart for the child that I never got to hold, kiss or give a name. A child that the world will soon forget even existed. The child that made my world stand still in a flood of tears as the rest of the world raced around past me. For those reasons and many more I know I am to be a different, maybe even more compassionate, person on the other side of this mourning process.
I know that days will get easier. The pain of heartbreak, like I have never experienced before, will become more forbearing and life really will move forward. Time will allow for happiness to return, prayers will be answered and hearts to be restored.
A high school teacher of mine once shared a story with me one day during a difficult time. The story was about a King troubled with worries and trials. So the King called on his counsel to create a motto…”This too Shall Pass Away”. I have always loved that story and always remember the day Mr. Moles shared it with me, but it has never brought me more strength, and peace than in these days of a great loss. I have thought of it often and been so grateful that my sweet teacher took the time to share it with me that day so many years ago. It really just goes to show that life is bigger than we realize. Who knew a story shared with me 14 or so years ago would bring me such comfort in my adult life.
Life is hard, and life is filled with defining moments, however God’s plan for us is big picture. He alters us into more of the people he wants us to become if we allow him access. We don’t always understand His plan or see the big picture and that’s okay. It’s not always easy. It’s even painful at times, but He does love us and He weeps with us in our moments of sadness(Psalms 116). He also gives strength and peace in those moments of life's terrible trials that we never thought we had access to. He does not forsake us and he does not leave us alone(Hebrews 13:5).
Below is an adaption of the story and poem that my highschool teacher shared with me.
This Too, Shall Pass Away*

In times of trial an old Indian legend has given me much comfort. A king, who suffered many hours of discouragement, urged his courtiers to devise a motto, short enough to be engraved on a ring, which should be suitable alike in prosperity and adversity. After many suggestions had been rejected his daughter offered an emerald bearing the inscription in Arabic, “This, too, will pass.” –Said the poet.

Whate’er thou art, where’er thy footsteps stray,
Heed these wise words: This, too, shall pass away.
Oh, jewel sentence from the mine of truth!
What riches it contains for age or youth.
No stately epic measured and sublime,
So comforts, or so counsels, for all time
As these few words. Go write them on your heart
And make them of your daily life a part
Art thou in misery, brother? Then I pray
Be comforted! Thy grief shall pass away.
Art thou elated? Ah, be not too gay;
Temper thy joy; this, too, shall pass away.
Fame, glory, place, and power,
They are but little baubles of the hour.
Thus, be not o’er proud,
Nor yet cast down; judge thou aright;
When skies are clear, expect cloud;
In darkness, wait the coming light
Whatever be thy fate today,
Remember, even this, shall pass away!
- Adapted by: Mr. Alexander


Kena Hyers said...

As I read your blog, I know all too well how you feel. We lost one between Zach and Alli. It's hard to explain how you could love someone so much and have never met them. I remember as each week rollec around....I should be 10 weeks, 14 weeks, 20 weeks, etc. I know what you are going thru and pray that God wraps you in His love and His strength. God's mercies come new each day! Our little one was due June 9, 2007. God chose instead to bless us with our Alli Joy, September 23, 2007. Love you and am thinking of you daily. Kena

Jasmine said...

I found you when you featured my necklace in your Etsy Treasury.

My husband and I have been trying to have a child for YEARS. In December, we finally conceived. It was literally a miracle to us. In February, we lost them. Our twins. Our miracle babies.

The loss never completely goes away. I still cry almost every day. Mostly, it's at night when it's quiet, when I'm not running around doing so much and I stop and realize... they're gone. I have no idea if I'll ever get pregnant again or if my body will let me carry a child if I do.

But, I will say that the loss does get easier. A little more every day. Just take it one day at a time and know that you are not alone. <3

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