Loss and My Heart's Journey Forward

REMEMBER ME
"No feet are so small that they can not leave an imprint on this world."
Photo By Becka Edmonson

To say the days have been trying lately would be a slight understatement. I have cried most days, some days more than others, but every day since October 17^th has held tears. I have found myself wishing and praying for just one day to be tearless. That prayer is yet to be answered. The unexpected loss of our unborn child was something my heart was unprepared for. And while I know this time will pass in time, put most simply, I feel broken.

For now I find myself trying to wait patiently while my God puts me back together. It’s like rebuilding a foundation of who God wants you to become in the new season after the grieving season passes, because I will never be the same person as before. A miscarriage is not something that is just forgotten. I believe I will always carry a sense of sadness with me. The emptiness will be filled with time and only a hole will be left behind in my heart for the child that I never got to hold, kiss or give a name. A child that the world will soon forget even existed. The child that made my world stand still in a flood of tears as the rest of the world raced around past me. For those reasons and many more I know I am to be a different, maybe even more compassionate, person on the other side of this mourning process.

 

I know that days will get easier. The pain of heartbreak, like I have never experienced before, will become more forbearing and life really will move forward. Time will allow for happiness to return, prayers will be answered and hearts to be restored.

 

A high school teacher of mine once shared a story with me one day during a difficult time. The story was about a King troubled with worries and trials. So the King called on his counsel to create a motto…”This too Shall Pass Away”. I have always loved that story and always remember the day Mr. Moles shared it with me, but it has never brought me more strength, and peace than in these days of a great loss. I have thought of it often and been so grateful that my sweet teacher took the time to share it with me that day so many years ago. It really just goes to show that life is bigger than we realize. Who knew a story shared with me 14 or so years ago would bring me such comfort in my adult life.

 

Life is hard, and life is filled with defining moments, however God’s plan for us is big picture. He alters us into more of the people he wants us to become if we allow him access. We don’t always understand His plan or see the big picture and that’s okay. It’s not always easy. It’s even painful at times, but He does love us and He weeps with us in our moments of sadness(Psalms 116). He also gives strength and peace in those moments of life's terrible trials that we never thought we had access to. He does not forsake us and he does not leave us alone(Hebrews 13:5).

 

Below is an adaption of the story and poem that my highschool teacher shared with me.

 

 

This Too, Shall Pass Away*

In times of trial an old Indian legend has given me much comfort. A king, who suffered many hours of discouragement, urged his courtiers to devise a motto, short enough to be engraved on a ring, which should be suitable alike in prosperity and adversity. After many suggestions had been rejected his daughter offered an emerald bearing the inscription in Arabic, “This, too, will pass.” –Said the poet.

Whate’er thou art, where’er thy footsteps stray,
Heed these wise words: This, too, shall pass away.
Oh, jewel sentence from the mine of truth!
What riches it contains for age or youth.
No stately epic measured and sublime,
So comforts, or so counsels, for all time
As these few words. Go write them on your heart
And make them of your daily life a part
Art thou in misery, brother? Then I pray
Be comforted! Thy grief shall pass away.
Art thou elated? Ah, be not too gay;
Temper thy joy; this, too, shall pass away.
Fame, glory, place, and power,
They are but little baubles of the hour.
Thus, be not o’er proud,
Nor yet cast down; judge thou aright;
When skies are clear, expect cloud;
In darkness, wait the coming light
Whatever be thy fate today,
Remember, even this, shall pass away!
- Adapted by: Mr. Alexander

My Journey Through Grief

On March 17, 2010 my family lost someone we all held very dear to our hearts. Today on July 29, 2010 we would have been celebrating My Great Uncle Leo's ninetieth birthday. Losing him is something that shook my world even more than I would have expected. He was such an important force in my life, and I loved and valued him, and I think about him every single day.

Saying goodbye to someone you love is never an easy task. It fills our hearts with a deep sadness, and the loss changes our world forever. It even changes us. Grief is complicated and has a wide range of responses. Grief is mostly focused around the loss of someone with which you share a special bond. Particularly the emotional response. In my case, grief has been focused on the loss of my Great Uncle that stepped in and took interest in my life. Grief can also influence our physical. behavioral, social experiences, and even our spiritual life. Each individual's grief experience is as unique to them as finger prints. Everyone responds to loss in different ways. I want to share my story with you. It's a very personal journey, but I feel it's something that I need share.

This is my story and how I am dealing with missing someone I loved dearly. This is my grief journey and how my spiritual beliefs have allowed me to cope and move forward. This path is one that I am still on, and working though. I just took for granted that my Uncle Leo would always be apart of my world and that my children would grow up with his presence in much the same way that my brother and I had. I know now when I think about that it was a unrealistic hope, and I am thankful for the time my children did have with him. Now it is my responsibility to retell his stories and share new stories to keep his memory in our lives. I have discovered that on the grief path there is no magic formula, no short cut, no easy way out of the process. You must allow yourself time to grieve. Being sad does not make you a failure, nor does it make people or Christ love you any less. Being sad is simply an emotion in life that we feel and walk through. His loss created an emotional wound for me. The wound has been healing, and I believe the experience of grief is transforming in a positive way, but being transformed and changed is rarely a painless process. This particular loss has given me a new vision on my relationship with God and how I should treasure my relationships with the people that I love. Being unafraid to say I love you! God and my faith in Him has been a major healing guide in my personal grief process. My faith has also helped me in facing the reality of my loss and the hope in that this is not the end!!! My belief in Heaven and God is guiding me through the grief process thoughtfully and deliberately. God loves me and he will not forsake me. I have learned to express and release emotions and move forward. Understanding that suppressing grief and not allowing myself to walk through this mourning season with plenty of healing time, could lead to emotional torment and even depression. So allowing and expressing my emotions to God through prayer and allowing my family and friends to walk along side me in the healing process is vital and important to myself living a productive and joy filled life. The death of my Uncle caught me off guard, as did the feelings and emotions that came along with the loss. For instance, I did not fully understand the role he had played in my life and just how much I would think about him every day. Losing him back in March still makes my heartache. Being aware that it is normal to have waves of emotion pertaining to loss, even more so on days where missing the presence of my Uncle is stronger, like on important holidays, birthdays, and even the anniversary of his passing. I am accepting that many aspects of my life have changed. I still think I am finding my way through this first year of grief. Not only has it changed me, it's made me realize just how much God loves me and this amazing and beautiful gift he has given me called HOPE!!! It is extravagant love, time, and hope that heals all wounds!

I just wanted to say in closing that this was a very personal blog about grief and bereavement. Something very close to my heart that I just wanted to share with my readers. Thank you to all my family, friends, and church family for loving me even through all the tears, heartache, and change that has taken place in my life. You have all brought some joy into this season of mourning. Thank you!

Quotes and Scripture that helped me

Grief still has to be worked through.
It is like walking through water.
Sometimes there are little waves lapping about my feet.
Sometimes there is an enormous breaker that knocks me down.
Sometimes there is a sudden and fierce squall.
But I know that many waters cannot quench love,
neither can the floods drown it.
We are not good about admitting grief, we Americans.
It is embarrassing.
We turn away, afraid that it might happen to us.
But it is part of life, and it has to be gone through.

– Madeleine L’Engle


There’s music in a well-lived life,
and melodies remain
each time a loving memory
repeats the sweet refrain.
The song that lingers
in our hearts
becomes our legacy ~
its beauty gently echoing
through all eternity.
-Unknown

Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Brothers we don't want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep: or to grieve
like the rest of men who have no hope 1 Thessalonians 4:13

Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. Romans 5:5

For I am persuaded beyond doubt that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39