Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Goodbye 20's

I am now walking through the final days of the beloved age "29" and preparing myself to embrace my 30's with celebration and excitement come January 16th.

I keep asking myself if this the crossroads into adulthood.  At the moment I just consider myself semi-grown up. Have I hit all the milestones of young adulthood? Am I really finished with this phase of my life and am I ready to step into the next chapter of my life? And what exactly is the next chapter? At least I am not alone in new chapters this year. My oldest son will be turning 10 and stepping into his middle school years while my dear Daddy is going to be turning 60. So, I am not alone in new seasons of life, however I don't think that is making this any easier. All that said, I am determined to focus on the blessing of my past and look forward to the happiness and love my future will bring.

Still there are questions racing around in my head. I told you when I started this blog my head was a scary place to be yet it's honest, just like I try to be on this blog. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing any of this about my struggles and excitement about the big 3-0. I would just keep them all nice and neat and tucked away inside my head somewhere, but what fun would that be? So I will say some of the questions out loud and hope it's not too weird. Like...What defines me? and What do other people see when they look at me? Will those things change as I get older? and Do I want them to? Have I happily allowed motherhood devour me to point that it is the only thing that defines who I am? Am I going to be forever okay with that or is that also just a season of my life?

Privately, I have struggled with my children growing older as their dependence on me is slowly fading to smaller amounts as the years go by. This honestly has made me cry before and I have years to go before that happens. Have I let my children define me to the point of feeling somewhat lost without children underneath my feet? My children have been a huge part of my 20's and they have taught me so very much about love, life, and loving life. I feel with each passing year that I become a better mother, learning from my mistakes and making new ones often. However, I feel very at ease with motherhood and who that has made me, not that the title of mother is ever finished once your children are grown. I truly believe motherhood is for infinity, no matter how old your children are. I have come to realize the seasons of life, and your involvement in their's, is ever changing with each passing year. Thats why I keep asking myself, "What happens once all my boys are in school?"(which will happen in my 30's)... As confident as I am with the title of mother and as much as I adore it, I still have to figure out the rest of me. I figure 30 is the perfect beginning to start putting together the pieces of that puzzle. So...Hello 30's, Goodbye 20's!


benjaminnleslie said...

I could completely identify with what you said about motherhood becoming who you are and feeling sad or lost about the thought of my children not needing me as much anymore. I know my kids are still young, but when I think about them getting older and more independent it is kind of scary for me. Because motherhood is a role I am very comfortable with I guess I feel strange or uncomfortable having to figure out how to stand without them with me and know that there is more that defines me than being a mother. (even though I think motherhood is my most important job in this life, and eternity) Thank you for being open and sharing your feelings!

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